what i wrote on new year's day, 2007
2007
2006 was just like any other year - there are begginings, there are endings.
start here
january began with a new chapter in my life. i left a life of comforting misery in exchange for the uncertain - when i turned my back on it, i didn't know if the future promised any financial security, the happiness and love i sought for or had i condemned myself to be alone til the end of my life.
for now, i live for the moment. lovers come, lovers go. money comes, money go. i am neither alone nor am i surrounded by the company of other people. despite the balance of my life's book keeping, i can pretty much say that i have never been happier in my life. sadness is a part of every second that i breathe but the air is just too abundant for me to hold my breath that it filters itself as carbon dioxide out of my system.
i mean different things to different people. i could be an acquaintance, a friend, a lover, a guildmate, a co-worker, a familiar face, a mystery, an enemy, a dislike person, etc. whatever they think about me, i am just being myself. after that, who f*ckin cares. anyone who would go beyond curiousity to dissect me or believe to know me without really knowing are probably bored. watching ants gather food for their colony is much more interesting than observing me.
i eat once or twice a day. i surf the net. i sleep. i work.
that is just how plain my life is and there is nothing much to complain about. i'd love to go out every now and then but my time is so spent that i usually end up sacrificing rest. it's not a healthy practice but i am coping to meet my ends.
mid-year
i landed a job after 5 months of being a bum. bumness was fun but having no money cripples you. it was my only motivation to work. work = money = being able to go out | buy what u want and need - i hate being financially dependent on my parents. i mean, save me the drama for needing to plead for something.
training was great for a while, after all, the company building has this impression that the job is lovable. eventually i would hate being there, the people i have to work with and job itself. i probably must be anti-social, i can't bear norms. i don't like pretending i like people or pleasing them. i have lived long enough to know that only certain genetically-patterned individual will take me for my wierdness. i mean, i am not the girly girl type nor am i musculine...so women find me too grungy for company. i dislike the company of "boy hunting" women. they can keep their men. i'd rather be alone than stand a conversation that starts and ends with "I". i find better comfort in the company of normal people with strange problems.
year-end
i got myself sick with the love bug for quite a number of times this year.
there was this abusive RO boyfriend who never had the heart to treat me humanely.
there was this RO boyfriend who didn't feel proud about having me and had chosen someone else who is a b*tch to him to begin with. buti nga sa kanya san na siya ngayon.
there was this RO boyfriend who was so good i couldn't keep him.
there was this RO boyfriend who i had chosen over someone i actually love.
finally, i didn't count on falling in love at all, the kind that makes you go beyond reason to keep that other person from slipping from your grasp. i might have been cruel to have made him endure great difficulties but it was what impressed me more. he was still there despite my own initiative to push him away. i admit i didn't want him to go but i didn't want him to stay either if he was only feeling forced.
my life is too complicated to have someone to love. love is not a puppy you could buy in a pet store and take care of. love is not what you could see or feel. it is the feeling that you are unconciously making yourself a better person and everything around you is beautiful...and that is what louie is all about. i found a reason to live, a reason to smile non-sensically. a reason to feel good about life. it is no longer just about RO (thank goodness, pero still, since sa RO kami nagkakilala, it is a big part of US), it's for real. people find such relationships bizarre and unthinkable. how could you love someone you haven't seen? oh yeah, how come you believe in God but haven't even seen or heard him? blind faith and trust hindi ba? who cares anyway, at least i can say that i had not let the opportunity pass me by. who knows what there is tomorrow, i have learned to stop expecting so much.
endings
when i turn my back - and i seldom look do - it just means that i have made my final decision. i'll peek but i don't think i will be staring. for the year 2006, i ended a long-term relationship, ended insignificant ones, ended my bum period, etc.
i hate endings, but sometimes, it is a necessity. without it, the new opportunities that await you have no meaning.
til here muna...i can't keep my eyes open anymore
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
*ro = ragnarok online, a game
2006 was just like any other year - there are begginings, there are endings.
start here
january began with a new chapter in my life. i left a life of comforting misery in exchange for the uncertain - when i turned my back on it, i didn't know if the future promised any financial security, the happiness and love i sought for or had i condemned myself to be alone til the end of my life.
for now, i live for the moment. lovers come, lovers go. money comes, money go. i am neither alone nor am i surrounded by the company of other people. despite the balance of my life's book keeping, i can pretty much say that i have never been happier in my life. sadness is a part of every second that i breathe but the air is just too abundant for me to hold my breath that it filters itself as carbon dioxide out of my system.
i mean different things to different people. i could be an acquaintance, a friend, a lover, a guildmate, a co-worker, a familiar face, a mystery, an enemy, a dislike person, etc. whatever they think about me, i am just being myself. after that, who f*ckin cares. anyone who would go beyond curiousity to dissect me or believe to know me without really knowing are probably bored. watching ants gather food for their colony is much more interesting than observing me.
i eat once or twice a day. i surf the net. i sleep. i work.
that is just how plain my life is and there is nothing much to complain about. i'd love to go out every now and then but my time is so spent that i usually end up sacrificing rest. it's not a healthy practice but i am coping to meet my ends.
mid-year
i landed a job after 5 months of being a bum. bumness was fun but having no money cripples you. it was my only motivation to work. work = money = being able to go out | buy what u want and need - i hate being financially dependent on my parents. i mean, save me the drama for needing to plead for something.
training was great for a while, after all, the company building has this impression that the job is lovable. eventually i would hate being there, the people i have to work with and job itself. i probably must be anti-social, i can't bear norms. i don't like pretending i like people or pleasing them. i have lived long enough to know that only certain genetically-patterned individual will take me for my wierdness. i mean, i am not the girly girl type nor am i musculine...so women find me too grungy for company. i dislike the company of "boy hunting" women. they can keep their men. i'd rather be alone than stand a conversation that starts and ends with "I". i find better comfort in the company of normal people with strange problems.
year-end
i got myself sick with the love bug for quite a number of times this year.
there was this abusive RO boyfriend who never had the heart to treat me humanely.
there was this RO boyfriend who didn't feel proud about having me and had chosen someone else who is a b*tch to him to begin with. buti nga sa kanya san na siya ngayon.
there was this RO boyfriend who was so good i couldn't keep him.
there was this RO boyfriend who i had chosen over someone i actually love.
finally, i didn't count on falling in love at all, the kind that makes you go beyond reason to keep that other person from slipping from your grasp. i might have been cruel to have made him endure great difficulties but it was what impressed me more. he was still there despite my own initiative to push him away. i admit i didn't want him to go but i didn't want him to stay either if he was only feeling forced.
my life is too complicated to have someone to love. love is not a puppy you could buy in a pet store and take care of. love is not what you could see or feel. it is the feeling that you are unconciously making yourself a better person and everything around you is beautiful...and that is what louie is all about. i found a reason to live, a reason to smile non-sensically. a reason to feel good about life. it is no longer just about RO (thank goodness, pero still, since sa RO kami nagkakilala, it is a big part of US), it's for real. people find such relationships bizarre and unthinkable. how could you love someone you haven't seen? oh yeah, how come you believe in God but haven't even seen or heard him? blind faith and trust hindi ba? who cares anyway, at least i can say that i had not let the opportunity pass me by. who knows what there is tomorrow, i have learned to stop expecting so much.
endings
when i turn my back - and i seldom look do - it just means that i have made my final decision. i'll peek but i don't think i will be staring. for the year 2006, i ended a long-term relationship, ended insignificant ones, ended my bum period, etc.
i hate endings, but sometimes, it is a necessity. without it, the new opportunities that await you have no meaning.
til here muna...i can't keep my eyes open anymore
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
*ro = ragnarok online, a game
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