Saturday, November 28, 2009

12:05 PM

nobody wants to know this

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

i can see it coming. before you all prejudge me for posting this, i would like to remind you that this is mine to dwell on, not yours.

so what would've possibly moved me to write something nobody wanted to know? One word: anniversary

a year ago, yesterday actually, marked the first year that we spent our last happy days together. we attended the nu 107 2008 rock awards, we went to divisoria, we went out with my friends, i introduced him to krispy kreme. somehow, in between moments of smiles and laughter i felt a tinge of sadness. maybe it was what they call women's intuition, the feeling of uneasiness laced with doubt and fear that it may be the last...true enough, it was.

so, as everyone who knew of the tragedy, your heroine would find out months later that she was used, misled, fooled and abandoned by her common friends with the antagonist. why they have chosen to do so is understandable, they saw me not as a friend but someone they felt guilty to be associated with. guilt for having played a part of the illusion that would eventually destroy a huge part of my faith in human kindness and compassion.

when i decided that i have had enough, i left without a tear in my eyes. for the first time in my life, i felt empty but not lost. i knew, there was no other way and i could not fight for something that was no longer mine. or was it never mine to begin with?

but that was then. to date, i don't bother. we last met just this october (34 days ago, to be exact) after 2 months of no communication. he said his apologies, how he never meant to hurt me, that it was all his fault. funny, he never admitted that he has a girlfriend (and that is supposed to be love) and maintained that women is a part of the life of being in a band.

"friends naman tayo 'di ba?" (we're friends, right?)

i don't really know what he meant by that but that was the last that i heard from him. we are friends who are no longer in touch of each other, so much for "i will text you" crap. maybe it was a joke or another of his lies, why would i even believe him in the first place.

unhappy sentiments aside, a time will come when i will not remember much and that is why i wrote this while i still do. after all, we have been in each other's lives for the past 3 years and i attribute many genuinely happy times to him so it can't really be that bad - regardless how bad everything went towards the end. on the other hand, because i loved him, it is only fitting that i let go so he may be happy even if it meant that i should loose him and become a repressed memory.

Dr. Seuss is right, i smile because it happened.

Labels: emo, louie george, love

Thursday, November 12, 2009

10:03 PM

hinahanap na multo

oo, ikaw. hinahanap-hanap kita.

sa di maipaliwanag na dahilan, tinayp ko ang pangalan mo sa google:

Edumundo Bautista Reyes

searching...
searching...

nakakatawa pero isa lang ang tumugma sa ilang daang pahinang nakaladlad sa aking harapan. Sa wakas, doctor ka na (2006 board exam) - kung alam ko lang, nag attend sana ako sa oath taking ng kapatid ko na kasabay mong nanumpa. Tinamad ata ako nung araw na yun at ayaw din ng kapatid ko ng maraming etchos.

Pagkakataon nga naman, sa tagal ng panahong dumaan sa pagitan ng huli nating pagkikita eh bigla kitang hinanap. Hindi ko ito sinulat para magpaka-emo sa nakaraang matagal ko nang ibinaon sa limot; walang balikan, walang sama ng loob. Malamang ay kinasal ka na dun sa babaeng pinalit mo sa akin (dapat lang ano, saksi akong buhay sa panloloko mo sa kanya nung nagsisimula pa lang kayo). Gusto ko lang sigurong kamustahin ka, ganun lang kasimple.

Ano ba ang masasabi ko sa lalakeng first love ko, ang lalakeng nagmulat sa akin sa mundo ng miserableng pakikipagrelasyon. Ewan, siguro nagpapasalamat ako na hindi tayo nagkatuluyan hehehe. Pero nandito na rin lang ako sa usapang nakaraan, lulubusin ko na lang since 1% chance ang pag-asa kong mabasa mo to or may makakita sa iyo at sabihin na bigla kitang naalala.Di naman ako tutulungan ng mga pinsan ko (mga lalake) at ayaw na ayaw nila sa iyo hahaha.

Tandang-tanda ko pa ung araw na naghiwalay tayo. Pagkauwi mo, sabi mo may pag-uusapan tayong importante. Nakangiti lang ako as usual at naghintay ako na magpalit ka. Pumasok ka, hinawakan ang aking kamay at diretso mong nasabi na kailangan na nating maghiwalay. Sinabi mong mahal mo ako pero bata pa tayo (16 pa lang ako, 17 ka na - uh buwan lang kasi pagitan natin) at gusto mo pang makaranas na lumigaw ng iba. Kasama na dun ang kwentong pinagpipilitan mong mahal mo ako pero eto ang gusto mong mangyari, kesyo high school pa lang tayo ay crush mo na ako kaya ka lagi na sa classroom ko (hmf, ung crush mo nung hs ung taga kabilang classroom namin eh) at ang pinakamatindi mong binitawan na salita ay ang babalikan mo din ako balang araw.

Sa totoo lang, dahil sa sinabi mong yan, naging mailap ako sa mga manliligaw ko. Pinanood lang kita na mambabae ng mambabae kahit sinagot ka na ng babaeng pinagpalit mo sa akin - isang matangkad, mestisa, mayaman at hmm...super girly girl. Ewan ko kung nagsuffer ka din sa katotohanang magkasama tayo sa iisang boarding house na hindi kita kinakausap, iniiwasan ka tuwing nakauwi ka na. ang mga panahong nananadya akong nauwi ng gabing-gabi, lasing at andun ka naghihintay sa baba para pagbuksan ako ng pintuan ng nakasimangot. Weird pero nagpapasalamat ako na dahil naghiwalay tayo, natutunan kong tumayo sa aking sariling mga paa, magbarkada, uminom at maappreciate ang golden age ng Filipino bands. Nawala ako ng halos dalawang taon nung pumunta ako ng Australia tapos paguwi ko ay lumipat ako sa boarding house ng isa ko pang pinsan. Bumalik na lang ulit ako sa boarding house natin (kasi pinsan ko rin may-ari) after malaman ng magulang ko na may bf ako at nagpatuloy pa rin ang aking cold treatment sa iyo. For the first time nung panahon na iyon, nagharap kami ng babaeng pinalit mo sa akin. Kapal ng mukha niyang simangutan ako at bagsakan ng pintuan pagkatapat ko sa kwarto mo. Haler, ako pa nga dapat ang magalit. Pero di bale, tinapatan ko din naman kayo at araw-araw nandun ang bf ko (ang lalakeng hindi nga babaero pero pinagod lang ako after 9 years kaya naghiwalay din kami) na selos na selos sa iyo.. hahaha. Andun din ang panahon na alam ko na gusto mo akong makausap pero hindi kita pinagbigyan. By that time, 4 na taon na kitang hindi iniimikan though nagagawa ko naman ngitian ka kahit papaano at nasabay na rin akong kumain pag nagkataon.

Nga pala...nabasa mo ba ung sulat ko sa iyo nung time na dun pa ako sa kabilang boarding house nakatira? Inipit ko siya sa notebook mo, ung sulat na sinabi kong hindi na ako maghihintay na balikan mo ako at inamin kong wala akong lakas na loob na kausapin ka. 2 years na tayong hiwalay nun at wala pa rin akong bf hahaha. Gee, okay lang naman un sa akin actually. Nagenjoy naman ako na pinapaligiran ako ng mga barkadang lalake na hindi ako maligawan at hanggang kanta na lang sila ng "pare ko" ng eraserheads - isa siguro sa kinabuwisitan mo nung naghiwalay tayo. Wala akong magagawa eh, mas gusto ko ang company ng mga lalake kesa sa mga babae. Kwela, hindi pinaguusapan ang mga emoshet ng mga crush crush, lagi akong nalilibre at bitbit sa mga bar, show, basketball games ng uaap, etc. Anyway, yun ang huling attempt ko na tapusin ko ang kahibangan ko na magkakabalikan tayo. Sinulat ko siya na may luha at kirot sa puso.

Isa na rin siguro sa mga dahilan kaya kita naaalala ay dahil natapat ako sa isang katulad mo...isang multo. un lang, hindi naman niya ako minahal though pareho lang halos ang inyong dahilan kaya niya ako iniwan pero ibang kwento naman yun at ayokong pagusapan haha. Maybe after 10 years pa.

So kamusta ka na kaya ngayon? Ang corny mo naman, walang friendster, walang facebook. kasal ka na ba? Ilan na anak mo? Hindi ko alam kung dala lang to ng pagsisising hindi kita pinagbigyan na magkaayos tayo at kahit papaano ay maging magkaibigan sana tayo. Last kitang nakita ay 1997, at sa wakas, kinausap kita. Yun na siguro ang pinakamahabang limang minuto ng buhay ko nung panahong iyon.

Hindi kita makakalimutan habang ako ay nabubuhay at lagi kitang maaalala na may ngiti - siyempre, ikaw ang first love ko. Sa bawat biglang amoy ko ng pabangong "farenheit", sa mga kamukha mong makakasalubong ko - naaalala kita. Mapait man nung una pero totoo ang sinasabi nila, tatawa ka na lang pagkalipas ng ilang taon...un nga lang, hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit naluluha ako sa pagsulat neto.

Teka, nasaan ka na ba?

- thanks to Dervy for taking the time to read through the blog and editing it.

Labels: emo, love

Monday, November 02, 2009

12:54 PM

ISFP: the artist

From a personality quiz i took in facebook some months back:

http://apps.facebook.com/my-type//?page=home

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Labels: emo, myself

Thursday, October 29, 2009

9:32 PM

evening sunflower

Sunflowers

Gifts of radiant warmth, sunflowers are the happiest of flowers, and their meanings include loyalty and longevity. They are unique in their ability to provide energy in the form of nourishment and vibrance, an attribute which mirrors the sun and the energy provided
by its heat and light.

She was advised to go out and take a walk.

earlier that day that she had resigned to her fate by telling herself that she was meant to suffer a lifetime of servitude, a consequence of choices made out of uncontrolled conditions. imagine a week spent crying and desolating about helplessness just because she believed she deserved them. nobody deserved anything bad, we just have to live with it and claw our way back up.

she stopped to admire the moon. the brightness was generous, almost motherly but the air was too cold for comfort. she braced herself as the breeze tickled her bones.

"wag kang gagalaw, hold up to"
(don't move, this is a hold up)

it was a surreal moment, so deus ex machina. of all possible moments, why now when she was questioning her self-worth?

she didn't feel afraid nor nervous. in fact, nothing mattered, nothing came to mind. not her son's tuition and theraphy, not her financial rut, not her scheduled court hearings, not her deadlines and all other unforgiving problems.

it was just herself, the petty thief, and the gun.

when faced with a life threatening moment, suicide sounded like a joke. if she had 100 reasons to die before this, they no longer exist. the only thing that mattered now was to prevent petty thief from pulling the trigger to end her misery.

petty thief asked for her phone, money and other valuable items and much to his disappointment, she was unable to produce anything and no amount of cursing could make him happy. what an evening, miserable meets miserable!

before anything else could happen, the roving barangay watchmen were able to apprehend the petty thief and our heroine went home without a scratch. she texted her friend about her ordeal and with full confidence, said she is ready to face the world and make the best out of her life.

i should have told her to take a walk in the afternoon, hehehe.

Labels: emo, suicide

Monday, October 26, 2009

8:34 PM

cruel conversations 2 (raw version)

and she's awake
7:37pmMargot
m at eastwood na
hehehe
7:38pmCedrix
and your spending 500 peso for food?OMG!
7:39pmMargot
2 naman kami
why not hehehe
7:51pmCedrix
I had a call
lasted for 12 minutes
7:51pmMargot
hahaha
7:51pmCedrix
2 kayo?who?sana treat mo din ako
7:52pmMargot
nyay
7:52pmCedrix
:))
7:53pmMargot
hahaha
7:54pmCedrix
so how was it?
7:54pmMargot
nakakabusog
hehehe
bakit naman
7:55pmCedrix
lolz, nanginggit pa X+X
7:55pmMargot
i find it odd na maraming nashoshock sa aking dining preference
7:55pmCedrix
aw wrong question pala
what's your dining preference anyweiz?
7:56pmMargot
ok naman ako sa kahit ano.
it just so happens lang na pag ganitong oras eh
eto na ang best meal
7:56pmCedrix
ahh
7:56pmMargot
kung hindi fastfood
7:56pmCedrix
I fing it hard, whooping 500...sabagay 2 persons naman
7:57pmMargot
yep
8:00pmCedrix
anu ba anaman kasing dish yan?
8:00pmMargot
greek
cyma
8:00pmCedrix
next time libre mo ako ha. kahit eastwood pa yan magtataxi ako papunta jan
:))
8:00pmMargot
aw hehehe
8:01pmCedrix
maybe after a year or two
8:01pmMargot
hahaha
8:01pmCedrix
but christmas season seems to be a good idea
:D
8:01pmMargot
nyak
hahaha
8:02pmCedrix
IS it fine if idisown ko yung bata?
8:02pmMargot
until dna can prove it's not yours
pwede
or can prove pala
hindi sa masama ako ok
pero she's hitting on two men
8:03pmCedrix
nope
we know both that its mine
wala akong doubt dun
but the way she wants me to do
too much conditions
8:03pmMargot
sure sure
8:03pmCedrix
for me to have them...
parang hanggat wala kang bahay, di tau pede magsama
amp
8:04pmMargot
bottom line is
she doesn't love you that much
to be with you
8:04pmCedrix
yep
that's what I thought
8:04pmMargot
so it's all up to you
8:04pmCedrix
so last question I gave her is "take me or leave me
8:05pmMargot
that won't solve anything
u can always offer child support
if that is the case
problema sau
you want everything
pati kaligayahan niya
8:06pmCedrix
maybe yeah
that's my problem
so kung hindi ako ang kaligayahan nya
we have to separate ways..
8:07pmMargot
matagal mo nang alam yan
i don't want to go over this again with you
hehehe
alam mo na ang dapat mong gawin
at best is to work around visitation rights
8:08pmCedrix
nope, Im not gonna waste my time dealing with a lawyer
if she wants the child without me
she can have the child
I had enough
Up til wednesday morning
8:09pmMargot
it doesn't have to be with a lawyer
kung masesettle nyo ang issue
kaya nga siguro d ya sinabing sau un
it's because she doesn't want to marry u
8:09pmCedrix
inamin nya na
she doesn't want to marry, that's fine with me
but the deal is there are a lot of obstacles that should not be there..
she set those up na alam nyang mahihirapan lang din ako
its like shes forcing me to give up.
8:10pmMargot
obvious naman
nahihirapan ka lang tanggapin ang katotohanan

Cedrix
inamin nya na
she doesn't want to marry, that's fine with me
but the deal is there are a lot of obstacles that should not be there..
she set those up na alam nyang mahihirapan lang din ako
its like shes forcing me to give up.
8:10pmMargot
obvious naman
nahihirapan ka lang tanggapin ang katotohanan
8:27pmCedrix
ok
8:28pmMargot
ala ka na rin magagawa db...stop pursuing her. ayaw niya.
8:29pmCedrix
so that's it
ayaw nya na
so stop
no help no cry no whatever
ayaw ko na sayo, tapon na kita..
is that how it should be?
8:30pmMargot
don't expect her to love you if she doesn't
8:31pmMargot
i know nakakagalit isipin
pero ganun talaga eh
i've learned from past relationships
that no matter how long nagsama kayo
it could always end up to nothing

Margot
don't expect her to love you if she doesn't
8:31pmMargot
i know nakakagalit isipin
pero ganun talaga eh
i've learned from past relationships
that no matter how long nagsama kayo
it could always end up to nothing
8:34pmCedrix
so its fine to let go because Im not that important?
why do I always tell myself that im important to her
8:34pmMargot
you're confusing yourself with the meaning of value
8:35pmCedrix
NO, because if Im really valuable to her as her to me...
she should been able to understand how I feel
8:36pmMargot
she does. but then again, she doesn't love you
8:36pmCedrix
about this whole "ayaw sakin ng family mo" at "mahal ko yung isa" crap thing
8:37pmMargot
she already knows she will be miserable
choosing you
Cedrix
Ganun ba ako kasamang tao?
well....its not something that I can ask you
8:40pmMargot
it's not about what you have done
or what you have not done
it's about asking herself
if she will make you happy and if she can be happy being with you
Cedrix
ngayong bang lubog ako financially at emotionally dahil sa mga ginawa nya, hindi na ba xa magiging maligaya?
8:42pmMargot
ced...
you know how love works
8:42pmCedrix
dahil ba hindi nya ginawa ang part nya?na ganito ako ngaun, dahil na din sa lintek na obstacles like yung isa and yung family nya
fuck her
8:42pmMargot
kahit ikaw
d mo kayang magmahal ng taong d mo mahal
Cedrix
so love fades away?
8:43pmMargot
you really think she loves you?
8:43pmCedrix
anu yung naramdaman nya nung una?init ng katawan?she felt like a princess because all my attention is her's to toy
are feelings can be toyed?
God, I let her see through me and all I get is this?
ganun ba talaga xa kawalang kwenta?
So, Wednesday morning, if it turns out like this, then we're settled, no turning back.
8:45pmMargot
bakit ganyan ka na. after everything that i have told you. matagal ko nang sinabi sa iyo, you are there for her convinience. sabi mo noo, ok lang basta magkasama kayo. now you talk like i never warned you or i never told you.
8:52pmMargot
i know you are hurting...
but that is the truth
after everything you have done
you end up in the losing end
Margot
get mad at the world if you want
but nothing will change her mind
in your favor
no matter how much you love a person
you have to know when to let go
you don't have to move on if you can't
but definitely you have to accept the truth or you will be living a lie
Cedrix
accept the truth...much better, less drama
9:28pmMargot
well, i can't blame you
you buried yourself in your own truth
9:31pmMargot
so, can you really?
9:31pmCedrix
yep
I want it all
all or nothing at all...
9:31pmMargot
dangerously selfish of you
9:32pmCedrix
but look at the bright side...she can get rid of me completely..
Im not selfish...Im staking what should have happened in the first place
how can you call me selfish?
you think giving her timeout to collect her thoughts will help?
9:32pmMargot
I want it all
all or nothing at all...
9:32pmCedrix
damn her, I already gave her 10 months
9:33pmMargot
if i were as wreckless as you
i'll be in ruins now
Margot
i want you to know that since you chose to work it out with her
despite my recommendation
don't blame her
don't blame yourself
don't blame anybody
you were lying to yourself to say that she loved you in the first place
Cedrix
She said so..
9:40pmMargot
hahaha. sabi din ni louie he loves me
so while i dwelled in the idea
i know part of it is a lie
it is just for me to feel better about everything, my own day dream
but at least i can face reality
Cedrix
and its my fault to believe her
9:43pmMargot
so what is your excuse
now
after the truth fell flat on your face?
Margot
are you just acting this way because
things did not go your way?
Cedrix
yep
im hurt
things didnt turned out like what we planned
and now, because sasabihin nya sakin na natatakot xa sakin, magulo ako magisip at makulit ako, she's ditching me out
I was able to get a bargain but whay does she have to make it difficult
bahay, ipon, job stability?
come on
9:52pmMargot
as she has confirmed to you
she doesn't want to marry you
if she loves you kahit adik ka
ok lang
Cedrix
at first she was afraid that her family would know..
ngayong alam na sa bahay nila thanks to me...wala na akong kwenta sa kanya
yep
now I believe that even though Im the worst person, she should love me still if she really love me
so its ditch out time
take me or leave me
Cedrix
IF she decides to leave me, then she should have a strong reason to do so..
9:54pmMargot
naniningil ka eh
9:55pmCedrix
pero di na ako maghahabol
naniningil?
9:55pmMargot
why ask for reasons
when the bottom line is
ayaw niya sau
she was being gracious about it sa iyo
each time nagcocompromise kayo noon
much to my surprise
well i am about to leave soon
i've copy pasted everything btw
you may want to see how you answered
nothing i will be publishing btw
without your consent.
kinomplie ko lang
if you are able to read it
i hope you see what is wrong with the picture
8:36pmCedrix
about this whole "ayaw sakin ng family mo" at "mahal ko yung isa" crap thing
8:37pmMargot
she already knows she will be miserable
choosing you
8:39pmCedrix
Ganun ba ako kasamang tao?
well....its not something that I can ask you
8:40pmMargot
it's not about what you have done
or what you have not done
it's about asking herself
if she will make you happy and if she can be happy being with you
8:42pmCedrix
ngayong bang lubog ako financially at emotionally dahil sa mga ginawa nya, hindi na ba xa magiging maligaya?
8:42pmMargot
ced...
you know how love works
8:42pmCedrix
dahil ba hindi nya ginawa ang part nya?na ganito ako ngaun, dahil na din sa lintek na obstacles like yung isa and yung family nya
fuck her
8:42pmMargot
kahit ikaw
d mo kayang magmahal ng taong d mo mahal
8:43pmCedrix
so love fades away?
8:43pmMargot
you really think she loves you?
8:43pmCedrix
anu yung naramdaman nya nung una?init ng katawan?she felt like a princess because all my attention is her's to toy
are feelings can be toyed?
God, I let her see through me and all I get is this?
ganun ba talaga xa kawalang kwenta?
So, Wednesday morning, if it turns out like this, then we're settled, no turning back.
8:45pmMargot
bakit ganyan ka na. after everything that i have told you. matagal ko nang sinabi sa iyo, you are there for her convinience. sabi mo noo, ok lang basta magkasama kayo. now you talk like i never warned you or i never told you.
8:52pmMargot
i know you are hurting...
but that is the truth
after everything you have done
you end up in the losing end
9:01pmMargot
get mad at the world if you want
but nothing will change her mind
in your favor
no matter how much you love a person
you have to know when to let go
you don't have to move on if you can't
but definitely you have to accept the truth or you will be living a lie
9:27pmCedrix
accept the truth...much better, less drama
9:28pmMargot
well, i can't blame you
you buried yourself in your own truth
9:31pmMargot
so, can you really?
9:31pmCedrix
yep
I want it all
all or nothing at all...
9:31pmMargot
dangerously selfish of you
9:32pmCedrix
but look at the bright side...she can get rid of me completely..
Im not selfish...Im staking what should have happened in the first place
how can you call me selfish?
you think giving her timeout to collect her thoughts will help?
9:32pmMargot
I want it all

all or nothing at all...
9:32pmCedrix
damn her, I already gave her 10 months
9:33pmMargot
if i were as wreckless as you
i'll be in ruins now
9:36pmMargot
i want you to know that since you chose to work it out with her
despite my recommendation
don't blame her
don't blame yourself
don't blame anybody
you were lying to yourself to say that she loved you in the first place
9:39pmCedrix
She said so..
9:40pmMargot
hahaha. sabi din ni louie he loves me
so while i dwelled in the idea
i know part of it is a lie
it is just for me to feel better about everything, my own day dream
but at least i can face reality
9:42pmCedrix
and its my fault to believe her
9:43pmMargot
so what is your excuse
now
after the truth fell flat on your face?
9:45pmMargot
are you just acting this way because
things did not go your way?
9:51pmCedrix
yep
im hurt
things didnt turned out like what we planned
and now, because sasabihin nya sakin na natatakot xa sakin, magulo ako magisip at makulit ako, she's ditching me out
I was able to get a bargain but whay does she have to make it difficult
bahay, ipon, job stability?
come on
9:52pmMargot
as she has confirmed to you
she doesn't want to marry you
if she loves you kahit adik ka
ok lang
9:52pmCedrix
at first she was afraid that her family would know..
ngayong alam na sa bahay nila thanks to me...wala na akong kwenta sa kanya
yep
now I believe that even though Im the worst person, she should love me still if she really love me
so its ditch out time
take me or leave me
9:54pmCedrix
IF she decides to leave me, then she should have a strong reason to do so..
9:54pmMargot
naniningil ka eh
9:55pmCedrix
pero di na ako maghahabol
naniningil?
9:55pmMargot
why ask for reasons
when the bottom line is
ayaw niya sau
she was being gracious about it sa iyo
each time nagcocompromise kayo noon
much to my surprise
well i am about to leave soon
i've copy pasted everything btw
you may want to see how you answered
nothing i will be publishing btw
without your consent.
kinomplie ko lang
if you are able to read it
i hope you see what is wrong with the picture
9:59pmMargot
you have 5 mins
10:02pmCedrix
publish it and tag it please
10:02pmMargot
aw. okay. i'll publish the raw via blog.
10:02pmCedrix
maybe what's wrong with the picture is that she doesn't know what to do with me and she wants to ditch me now
10:02pmMargot
if you must comment just go ahead
i'll be checking it in the morning.
maybe
but she doesn't want to be married
if that will sound better to you for now
10:03pmCedrix
we both agreed with that
if she doesn't want to, fine with me
but she's making it hard for me not to see them both
as if parang wala lang

Monday, October 19, 2009

12:40 PM

cruel conversations

an actual self-preservation moment with cedrix, a conversation that took place in facebook yesterday. this is just part of the what we had discussed. no thanks to the chat system of fb, i am afraid i couldn't retrieve the messages from the beginning (unless it is just me).

i don't know why but i seem to be everyone's (whom i know) shrink. i don't really mind, however, all are forewarned that i am the type who won't tell you what you wanted to hear.

- - - - -

Margot: un ung gusto niyang makasama habang buhay hindi ikaw. ang linaw naman db

6:29pm Cedrix: what about my son?hahayaan ko ba na balahurain nya anak ko?

6:29pmMargot: d mo nga anak un

6:29pmCedrix: siguro nga. sabagay, in the first place, kung anak ko yun at kung ako mahal nya. hay, ang gulo...

6:30pmMargot: sinagot mo na tanong mo. not yours. palusot lang

6:30pmCedrix: palusot lang na? akin yung bata? to use me?

6:32pmMargot: hindi. hindi sau ung bata pero dahil pinaalam niya sa kanila sa iyo eh kasi

6:33pmCedrix: WHAT'S THE PURPOSE? an saya diba?

6:33pmMargot: well. ano din ba dahilan ng orig bf na pakasalan ang babae

6:33pmCedrix: ewan ko. siguro great love

6:34pmMargot: na nabuntis ng iba. hahaha. well i doubt

6:34pmCedrix: his the hero remember

6:34pmMargot: nakakasuka ang babae mo

6:34pmCedrix: I dont know where to start

6:34pmMargot: sabihin na lang natin it will be better on your part na wag na makialam dyan. hindi ako naniniwalang gusto mong makasal sa isang sira ulo. sorry if it sounds harsh. pero she doesn't want to marry u. so that's a hint. she doesn't want to wake up. next to u. bring ur name,
etc.

6:38pmCedrix: and I have to get rid of her. how? I mean she's my life

6:38pmMargot: that's the problem siguro. you aren't her's

6:39pmCedrix: Any workarounds? any plans? any rehabilitation plans. lolz. baliw na ako. I am sane to do things that other people sees as normal activities. though Im barely holding up

6:40pmMargot: hindi na tama na ipush mo sarili mo sa taong d ka kailangan

6:41pmCedrix: Im not pushing. Im escaping. and escaping is something I find difficult to do

6:41pmMargot: escape what? eh ang gusto mo sau siya hanggang sa huli. i am sure if i am saying the same thing about louie

6:42pmCedrix: deep inside, yep

6:42pmMargot: you'll not find it aceptable

6:42pmCedrix: but I have to find a reason to continue

6:42pmMargot: you'll tell me to move on

6:43pmCedrix: Im finding it hard to look for a reason

6:43pmMargot: for what ba? for what ba?

6:43pmCedrix: I feel that I ceased to exist

6:44pmMargot: ahahaha

6:44pmCedrix: anu ng purpose ko ngayon

6:44pmMargot: lahat ng iniwan, ganyan iniisip. kung inisip ko yan, kausap mo ba ako ngayon? while mas may gravity ang sa iyo, it's the same thing - the person we love doesn't want us

6:49pmMargot: don't look for purpose. hindi mo yan makikita. what makes me different from any other person who was rejected? we are all the same. we are going to lick our wounds and walk with our heads up high.

6:50pmCedrix: Can I put my faith to my unshakable human heart

6:50pmMargot: hahaha. faith in what

6:51pmCedrix: faith in survival? that I have to lift my pride as a person. but how?

6:51pmMargot; i'm breathing, smiling. if i can do it, why not u

6:52pmCedrix: Im laughing at the idea, talo pa near death experience lolz

6:53pmMargot: why die

6:54pmCedrix: to let her go, to put an end to this misery. To be totally alone and not to go back for something that denies me

6:56pmMargot: makikinabang b pamilya mo? gastos pa palibing. hiya pa ang kwento. na sa self-control mo ang pagiwas kaso obsessed ka kaya siguro it didn't work out

6:58pmCedrix: so in the end, it turns out to be an obsession. it paints and its getting clearer

6:58pmMargot: read ur answers

6:59pmCedrix: though, if you are on my shoes, do you think losing your love one and child is an obsession? obsession not for them to go

7:00pmMargot: ipa dna mo ang bata paglabas

7:00pmCedrix: tapos? any legal settlements? di naman kame kasal eh

7:00pmMargot: so? siya nanay, she has the say. so stop it. if she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you, that is one good reason not to even marry her,. if the kid is yours eh d visitation rights. pero to marry her, stop. kung gusto mong pareparehong miserable ang buhay niyo at may bata pang pwedeng matrauma, go, do what you want wag ka makinig sa akin.

7:03pmCedrix: hay, trauma na sa bata na wala xang ama or not knowing his true father

7:04pmMargot: bahala ka nga

7:04pmCedrix: maybe its best for me to leave the living

7:04pmMargot: ayaw mo makinig, pwede ka naman kumilos when the time comes. but noooooooo, selfish ka at ayaw mo sa gusto ng tao, gusto mo sa gusto mo

7:05pmCedrix: maybe my flaw as a human to see what is fit in front of me. siguro nga Im doing power play

7:05pmMargot: you've lost her matagal na ikaw lang ayaw makakita. matagal ko nang sinabi sau pero d ka naman nakikinig. malambing ka lang ok na. mamaya d pa sau un. kung ego mo yan, well sorry ka na lang ganun talaga HINDI IKAW ANG GUSTO NIYANG MAPANGASAWA

7:07pmCedrix: thanks, had it coming ganun din ending =))

7:08pmMargot: i am sorry, pero yan un, sana ikaw na lang pinili

7:08pmCedrix: you dont have to be sorry

7:09pmMargot: the reason why iba ang pinakilala niya sa magulang niya na ama was because baka ayaw pa nung una magpakasal ng lalake sa kanya at andyan ka para akuin un. pero in the end pumayag din bf niya so there u go. hope it now makes sense that you are just the 2nd choice

7:09pmCedrix: always the second choice

7:10pmMargot: take it and leave it

7:12pmCedrix: I ceased to exist as cedrix. I hope I can find a reason to make my heart and soul do another heartbear heartbeat* Im one certified feminist and romantic asshole lolz

7:14pmMargot: just move on

7:14pmCedrix: it comes to this I guess

Labels: emo, louie george, love, suicide

7:10 AM

bahala ka!

paminsan-minsan maiisipan mo talagang magpakamatay na lang. masisisi ka ba namin eh ayan ka, masama ang loob sa buhay, galit sa Diyos, at walang maintindihan na katwiran kung bakit kailangan mangyari pa ang nangyari.

habang pinagiisipan mo ang pinaka katanggap-tanggap na paraan (at may ganito pa talaga ah haha) na pumanaw, dyan papasok ang tinatawag nating self-preservation instinct. siyempre, sinong gago naman ang gustong mamatay sa masakit na paraan? bigti? ay, naku, matrabaho. baril? teka, mahirap atang barilin ang sarili. lason, yak, kadiri. overdose, aber, may prescription ka ba sa mga anti-insomnia drugs? tumalon sa mataas? eh di ka nga makalapit pwesto ng pagtatalunan mo. maglalaslas? masakit kaya un.

whatever. ang susunod mo namang gagawin ay ang magpaalam na sa buhay. una, sulat lang sana para pag natagpuan ka, andun na ang mga huling habilin mo. huminga ka ng malalim. this is it! sabi mo sa sarili mo. kaso tumunog cellphone mo at may nagtext. sinagot mo na parang kunwari wala lang. deadma, ang tapang mo pang isipin na siya ang huling katext mo - at umabot pa sa puntong naglalaro pa nga sa isip mo ang eksenang naiyak siya at sisisng-sisi na wala man lang siyang nagawa kasi wala siyang kamalay-malay na madededo ka na matapos mong magreply.

bumalik ka sa masama mong balak, lumuluha ka pa habang hinahanda mo sarili mo. this is it ulit! paalam na, mundong kay lupit! teka...ang barkada ko nga pala sabay dampot sa cellphone. boy, dyan na magwawakas ang plano mong magpakamatay. tandaan mo, nakapaliit ng tsansa na matutuluyan ka kapag ikaw ay nagsabi at nagpaalam sa mga taong malalapit sa iyo. maaaring mali ako, maaaring may natutuluyan pa rin kahit ano pang ilatag na dahilan para mabuhay ka pa.

oo, buhay mo yan, hindi akin. naiintindihan ko naman na gusto mo nang magpaalam at i-meet ang Diyos o si satanas ng wala sa oras - EMOSHET ka kasi. makasarili ka. kaya GO! meet your maker! magpakalunod ka, tumalon ka sa pinakamataas na building na pwede mong pageksenahan, magoverdose ka sa anuman ang madadampot mong gamot sa bahay (wag naman vitamins o cough syrup, adik), barilin mo ang sarili mo kung kaya mo, magbigti ka kung matsaga ka at trip mong nakalawit pa ang dila mo sa iyong kabaong, maglason ka kung kaya ng sikmura mo, maglaslas ka ng pulso kung kaya mo - HINDI KAILANGAN NG MUNDONG ITO ANG ISA PANG MAKASARILING KATULAD MO.

leche, hindi mo man lang iniisip ang maiiwan mong pamilya - ang gastos magpalibing at saksakan ng hirap magpaliwanag sa kahihiyan na dinulot mo sa kanila. sana mahiya ka naman sa sarili mo di ba, uutang pa sila para lang mailibing ka. kung katoliko ka pa eh walang pari ang babasbas sa iyo. sa burol mo puro tsismis lang ang maririnig at pagsisising hindi mo na mararamdaman kasi wala ka na.

bahala ka. basta ako, mas masayang mabuhay at panoorin ang mga nanakit sa akin na nagdudusa kesa ako ung mauna sa kanila.

Labels: emo, love, suicide

Sunday, October 18, 2009

7:03 AM

vote efren penaflorida

my hero. your hero, our hero. a true Filipino hero.

Friday, October 16, 2009

7:26 PM

para sa kaibigan kong gustong magpakamatay

dear outlaw/arem,

kung nabasa mo pa to, mabuti naman at ibig sabihin lang nun ay d ka nagpakamatay gaya ng balak mo ngayon lang. sige lang, maglasing ka para mailabas mo ang lahat ng sama ng loob mo sa buhay. kahit ano naman sabihin ko para gumaan ang loob mo ay hindi mo iintindihin kasi understandably, iniisip mo na wala nang kwenta ang lahat.

hindi lang ikaw ang may problemang pagibig sa mundo okay. natatapat lang talaga tayo sa mga taong hindi tayo kayang mahalin pabalik. punyeta ka, kung andyan ako ay sasampalin pa kita para maappreciate mo ang ibig sabihin ng mabuhay ka at lumaban.

matapang ako kung matapang. hindi ako gaanong palaban ng harapan pero pagdating sa buhay, kaya kong buhayin ang sarili ko dahil may iba pa akong dahilan para mabuhay. yun din ang gusto kong unawain mo, may mga bagay na kailangan magwakas para mabuksan ang ibang opportunities sa buhay mo.

mahal ka namin ng mga kaibigan mo, wag kang tanga. ang taong ipinagpapalit ka lang para sa pera sa halip na damayan ka ay hindi ka mahal at hindi nila deserve mahawakan ang buhay mo.

very truly yours,
marJ

Labels: emo, love, suicide

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

10:36 AM

Diyos ko, bakit mo ako iniwan?

maulan. ulan ng ulan. sabi ng prof ko noon, ang ulan ay pwedeng pahiwatig ng destruction, sadness or cleansing. para sa akin, lahat na. sa nakaraang weekend kong kay lupit, parang ako nabuhusan ng ulan at pilit pinapatay sa lamig. awa nga lang ng diyos, lumiwanag at pumasok na naman ako sa isa pang cycle ng tagaraw sa buhay ko. ang nakakatawa, mainit nung panahong tag ulan ang aking katauhan at umulan ng malupit nung naayos na ang lahat.

diyos talaga, lagi na lang ako binibiro.

- - -

so sino ba talaga ang dapat sisihin sa lahat. ang tao ba o ang diyos? kung tao, sabi nga nila, tayo ang gumagawa ng sarili nating tadhana. lahat ng nangyayari sa atin ay kagagawan din natin or at least naiimpluensya natin. free-will nga db. pero teka, db sabi naman sa ating religion classes eh diyos ang may alam sa ating kapalaran? db nga kaya tayo nagdarasal sa kanya eh para maiahon tayo sa ating mga pasanin? ano ba talaga kuya. nakikialam ba ang diyos o naiinip lang ang tao by nature? i mean, bakit tayo nagpapasalamat sa isang bagay na nakatadhana na?

nakakaloka, sa bagay, agnostic naman ako. pero wag ka, nagpapasalamat pa rin naman ako sa diyos, tutal eh kahit ako ang nagawa ng aking kapalaran, na sa awa din niya ang lahat. hahaha.

sabihin na lang natin na agnostic lang ako sa aspektong sinasabi nila na diyos na ang bahala. eh bakit nga kasi, lahat ay pre-destined na at illussion lang ang free-will.

magulo ba akong kausap? hehehe, tandaan, lahat ng philosophers na masyado tong kinarir ay nabaliw. lol.

- - - -

written on may 5, 2009

Labels: blog at work, emo, louie george, love

10:34 AM

secret on???

04 may 2009 shift @ work [it is now 12:59 am manila time, 05 may 09] mmanalo

"lahat ng kaldero may kanyang sariling takip"

yan ang sinabi ng dj sa lalakeng tumawag ngayong gabi para sa love problem niya. medyo wierd at ang layo, eh ang problema naman kasi ng lalake eh s.o. (secret on) daw sila ng gf niya tapos namalayan na lang niya na nililigawan din ng pinsan niya gf niya - d niya masabi sa pinsan niya na sila na ng babae dahil baka magkaproblema siya. ang panget lang dun eh mukhang nagiging close na ang 2. agree ako sa dj, na sa babae na un kung hahayaan na lang niya un mangyari ganung committed naman siya sa kanya kahit so sila.

so, may tawag na pala sa ganun hahaha. sabi nga ng dj, sa mga mashoshonda (matatanda) ang s.o. ay secret on. lolx.

Labels: blog at work, emo, love

10:29 AM

sakay at makinig

a jeepney ride on the dark road of love

30 apr 2009 shift @ work - mmanalo

on the way to work, the jeepney i rode on was tuned to a radio station that featured a brief, on-air love counselling session. this was not the first time i had listened to the show and i didn't really think that the dj cared that much because sometimes, after he gives his assessment, his last sentence will be followed by a comical, pre-recorded animated laughter. maybe it was to just to lighten the up the mood since most callers have deadpan love problems or i was so used to joe d mango in the 90's every friday morning that no one can compare - so far.

so there i was, pretending not to listen and kept my eyes busy looking left and right. i mean, it's a jeepney ride, it's a dark road, i have 2 cellphones in my bag and i was twice a victim of "me-snatch-ur-cp-in-ur-bag-wyl-riding-a-jeep" - as they say, if you look spaced out, you're victim no.1. anyway, girl calls in, said that her problem was she hasn't had a bf for almost 8 months. the dj asked what was the problem about that - turns out that her actual dilemna was that she didn't have any closure with her ex. boy tells girl that he loves her but - and this is the bullet in the gun - he told her that she has to move on. fuck noh, it's like watching a movie and you know the ending but the lead actress is clueless. no wait, the proper term is that she is in denial. as she was being interviewed, the thought "can i slap you awake" crossed my mind. from that point, i ended up spaced out in thought.

that is what i don't get about men, what is the use of keeping us as friends if they know that women don't like being friends with men they had a relationship with - at least after the break up. i mean break up and say why it didn't work for him. better yet, why didn't he just tell her that it really didn't work out for them instead of "i love you, but you must move on" emo lol. i was imagining the scenario in my head as the dj and girl kept on when i realized i was already at my drop off and a minute further i would've missed my stop by miles. i got off, checked my bag. my cellphones are still inside.

Labels: emo, love

9:54 AM

i saw the sign

notes from work during idle time: written on 4/27/09

maybe it was just susan boyle, she sang les miserables' "i dream a dream" on the show "britain's got talent" which brought her on the front steps of sudden fame.

susan boyle, the woman who claimed to have never been kissed. this reminds me of drew barrymore's movie of the same name except we all know that she gets to find her love of a lifetime at the end of the movie. no, we aren't going to talk about love here, it's a cliche of a topic since time immemorial. despite the odds, love just happens so let's leave ms. boyle alone.

anyway, i am going to write about dreams. as they say in the movie "fools rush in", the sign is everywhere. for me, the word dream screams up even in my sleep. it started with susan boyle's winning piece, "i dream a dream" followed by several references to dreams wherever i go. the latest, being today at starbucks. as i waited patiently for my order, i chanced upon a magazine called "jeepney" which called itself a "street magazine" and upon reading the editorial, it struck me that it was about dreaming.

it was not a magazine that everyone would willingly consider as a first choice to read at a cafe. however, curiousity got a hold on me when the cover specified that p50.00 goes to your vendor, prompting me to grab a copy to compliment my coffee and cigarette.

Labels: blog at work

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