Crap and Scraps

i'm glad to still have you, old friend.

okay, since i last wrote here, i'm happier...the first three quarters of 2009 or 2009 in general was not exactly my "year" but over all, i guess everything that happened simply paved the way for something better (of course, considering it's 2010 now). as louie would have said it last year, "you deserve better" - yes, hell yes hahaha so thank you very much for being the jerk you were, i really wish you and your uh, jejemon nurse girlfriend well.

edmundo...after about more than a half a year later from that fit of madness post, we are facebook friends. but despite the crap i wrote about why i was looking for him, uhm someone altered my original plan by bursting my bubble with "forget it, kung talagang..." so i dropped the idea (this happened on the evening i was treated out to dinner for my birthday). aside from the fact that we found each other, nothing really happened after the add - no hellos, no nothing. hihihi, i won't have it in any other way anyway. based on his pictures and posts, dr. reyes (surgeon) looks happy and single (hahaha. please let him marry or it's my fault for saying "he will never get married" when i was really angry when we broke up - uh, pramis, d un sumpa). i was expecting him to be much more advanced in terms of hairline - i'm disappointed his forehead still looks the same. on the other hand, he just looks the same and like me, he didn't seem to get older. harharhar, must be my saliva, if you know what i mean.

kidding aside, at the end of the hmm, search (for lack of a better term), to not bother each other with catching up is the best in our situation. it's not like we had a great relationship or that we broke up nicely - hey, i didn't speak to him for 5 years even if we lived together on random years at the same boarding house. i know he made an effort to at least reconcile but i probably scared the shit out of him with my cold treatment. oh well, whether he started the trend of jerk collecting in my life, i'll leave it be. as long as his hairline recedes, we're even. HA!

...plus, i'm no longer in my self-pity stage.

so how am i now? okay, i guess. i found myself under the influence of a new moon...and it's not twilight. he's a good guy and while he does make me happy, he also makes me sad. it's not about the relationship itself, it's more of the confusion on the definition of to what extent are we "mu" - though the only thing that is clear between us is there is no commitment and all i have are impressions of what he tells me. since he said he is not looking to long term, does this translate to "i'm going to get rid of you anytime" or "let's not spoil today with tomorrow"? i learned ("confirmed" is a better word) yesterday that he goes out with other people so is this an open relationship? well...i didn't really count much on that, i thought i was dating a guy devoted to his kid (he's not married okay) with no time for anything else. hahaha, of course, silly me for being dense, he seems pretty much to be a ladies' man. it's my fault, as my friends say, to having had said that i'm fine with our set up (non-commitment) + my lack of guts to ask if we are exclusive. i don't know, i find it useless to ask if it's obvious and it came from him already that that's what he does. it's too late for me to ask na rin db? :) kung may tampo man ako sa kanya, it's probably on the emotional level. like summer in 500 days of summer, he never admitted liking me anyway. see, "like" na nga lang wala...bakit kami mu, mas mukhang fubu naman ang trato niya sa akin akin (opinion ko lang. hmm, actually pag d kami magkasama, ganyan naiisip ko kasi uhm. wala, wag na lang and mukhang nasabi ko na) :(

wala lang, dito ko na lang to pinost kasi it's quite hmm, silent here for me. tumblr is quite commercialized and facebook is not exactly where i want to post this as my friends would burn me at the stake. even if i placed a link at fb, no one bothers to read the profile page anyway. it's all about news feed, friends for whatever games, and uhm, chat?!

if this goes well, i'll maintain this as my other outlet sans link. at least, i can write my private thoughts without garnering much attention as far as i can tell. even when i initially posted here, no one gave a crap about me being sad and all. nobody cared. while that sounds silly, it's comforting because i'll just write all i want.