Crap and Scraps

maulan. ulan ng ulan. sabi ng prof ko noon, ang ulan ay pwedeng pahiwatig ng destruction, sadness or cleansing. para sa akin, lahat na. sa nakaraang weekend kong kay lupit, parang ako nabuhusan ng ulan at pilit pinapatay sa lamig. awa nga lang ng diyos, lumiwanag at pumasok na naman ako sa isa pang cycle ng tagaraw sa buhay ko. ang nakakatawa, mainit nung panahong tag ulan ang aking katauhan at umulan ng malupit nung naayos na ang lahat.

diyos talaga, lagi na lang ako binibiro.

- - -

so sino ba talaga ang dapat sisihin sa lahat. ang tao ba o ang diyos? kung tao, sabi nga nila, tayo ang gumagawa ng sarili nating tadhana. lahat ng nangyayari sa atin ay kagagawan din natin or at least naiimpluensya natin. free-will nga db. pero teka, db sabi naman sa ating religion classes eh diyos ang may alam sa ating kapalaran? db nga kaya tayo nagdarasal sa kanya eh para maiahon tayo sa ating mga pasanin? ano ba talaga kuya. nakikialam ba ang diyos o naiinip lang ang tao by nature? i mean, bakit tayo nagpapasalamat sa isang bagay na nakatadhana na?

nakakaloka, sa bagay, agnostic naman ako. pero wag ka, nagpapasalamat pa rin naman ako sa diyos, tutal eh kahit ako ang nagawa ng aking kapalaran, na sa awa din niya ang lahat. hahaha.

sabihin na lang natin na agnostic lang ako sa aspektong sinasabi nila na diyos na ang bahala. eh bakit nga kasi, lahat ay pre-destined na at illussion lang ang free-will.

magulo ba akong kausap? hehehe, tandaan, lahat ng philosophers na masyado tong kinarir ay nabaliw. lol.

- - - -

written on may 5, 2009

a jeepney ride on the dark road of love

30 apr 2009 shift @ work - mmanalo

on the way to work, the jeepney i rode on was tuned to a radio station that featured a brief, on-air love counselling session. this was not the first time i had listened to the show and i didn't really think that the dj cared that much because sometimes, after he gives his assessment, his last sentence will be followed by a comical, pre-recorded animated laughter. maybe it was to just to lighten the up the mood since most callers have deadpan love problems or i was so used to joe d mango in the 90's every friday morning that no one can compare - so far.

so there i was, pretending not to listen and kept my eyes busy looking left and right. i mean, it's a jeepney ride, it's a dark road, i have 2 cellphones in my bag and i was twice a victim of "me-snatch-ur-cp-in-ur-bag-wyl-riding-a-jeep" - as they say, if you look spaced out, you're victim no.1. anyway, girl calls in, said that her problem was she hasn't had a bf for almost 8 months. the dj asked what was the problem about that - turns out that her actual dilemna was that she didn't have any closure with her ex. boy tells girl that he loves her but - and this is the bullet in the gun - he told her that she has to move on. fuck noh, it's like watching a movie and you know the ending but the lead actress is clueless. no wait, the proper term is that she is in denial. as she was being interviewed, the thought "can i slap you awake" crossed my mind. from that point, i ended up spaced out in thought.

that is what i don't get about men, what is the use of keeping us as friends if they know that women don't like being friends with men they had a relationship with - at least after the break up. i mean break up and say why it didn't work for him. better yet, why didn't he just tell her that it really didn't work out for them instead of "i love you, but you must move on" emo lol. i was imagining the scenario in my head as the dj and girl kept on when i realized i was already at my drop off and a minute further i would've missed my stop by miles. i got off, checked my bag. my cellphones are still inside.

notes from work during idle time: written on 4/27/09

maybe it was just susan boyle, she sang les miserables' "i dream a dream" on the show "britain's got talent" which brought her on the front steps of sudden fame.

susan boyle, the woman who claimed to have never been kissed. this reminds me of drew barrymore's movie of the same name except we all know that she gets to find her love of a lifetime at the end of the movie. no, we aren't going to talk about love here, it's a cliche of a topic since time immemorial. despite the odds, love just happens so let's leave ms. boyle alone.

anyway, i am going to write about dreams. as they say in the movie "fools rush in", the sign is everywhere. for me, the word dream screams up even in my sleep. it started with susan boyle's winning piece, "i dream a dream" followed by several references to dreams wherever i go. the latest, being today at starbucks. as i waited patiently for my order, i chanced upon a magazine called "jeepney" which called itself a "street magazine" and upon reading the editorial, it struck me that it was about dreaming.

it was not a magazine that everyone would willingly consider as a first choice to read at a cafe. however, curiousity got a hold on me when the cover specified that p50.00 goes to your vendor, prompting me to grab a copy to compliment my coffee and cigarette.

TIKATIK AT ANG PRUTAS NA MAY PAIT

i wrote this story some months back, my first attempt to write in filipino and a short story after many years. thanks to dervy who proofread my work. by the way, this was inspired by my gay friends.

hindi mo masasabi kung ano ang lasa ng lanzones hangga't d mo pa siya natitikman. minsan matamis, minsan maasim - ang masaya pa dito eh ang bawat isa ay may kanya-kanyang katangian kaya kahit tikman mo pa ang sample ng tindero, walang kasiguraduhan kung ano ba talaga ang lasa ng binili/nakuha/nahingi/ mong lanzones. isa lang ang tiyak sa prutas na ito at kahit ipusta pa, walang makakaila - walang kasing pait ang kanyang buto. pag minamalas ka nga naman, aksidente mo tong makakagat. bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan ang lintek na seasonal na prutas na to? ewan. siguro may naaalala lang ako. siguro kasi ganito rin ang tingin ko sa pag-ibig. umuulan kasi, nakakainis, nakakairita.

pagibig. lanzones. ulan.

ikaw lang ang naaalala ko sa 3 salitang yan. hindi ako bitter ah, iba naman siguro ang naalala sa nasasaktan - haler, naka move on na ako. katulad ng bagyong signal no. 3, sinalanta mo ang buhay ko mula nung tayo ay nagkakilala hanggang sa tuluyan na tayong naghiwalay. ganung kalakas ang dating mo sa akin, na windang ako at nadala sa habagat ng naramdaman kong pagibig. tandang-tanda ko pa ang bawat detalye nung araw na iyon. naulan. naulan ng malakas. nabaha ang puso ko sa kaligayahan, mabulaklak ang paligid sa aking paningin, nagpasalamat pa ako sa diyos na dumating ka. akala ko ikaw na talaga. akala ko lang pala yun.

ang kauna-unahang pasalubong na inuwi ko sa iyo nung nanggaling ako sa trabaho ay lanzones. makita ko lang ang ligaya sa mga mata mo noon ay nakakalimot ako ng pagod at naiisip ko pa na wala na akong hihilingin pang iba kundi ang sana, ganito lang tayo palagi. pagibig nga naman, kahit baduy, keber. basta't kasama kita, ang lahat ay possible at higit sa lahat, "ang sweet" - ew. tanda mo pa ba ang mga tanghaling nanonood tayo ng wowowee at kabisado mo pa talaga ang lyrics ng mga novelty songs ni willie? tanda mo pa ba ang pagsalubong mo sa akin ng tinola o sinigang pagkauwi ko ng bahay? tanda mo pa ba ang mga panahong sa kasabikan natin sa isa't-isa ay halos ma late ako sa pagpasok dahil naglalambing ka habang ako ay paalis na? ang mga ferrero, ang mga puting rosas, ang relo, ang thermos, ang chowking, ang palawan. ang putang inang palawan. bakit kasi pe uniform ang suot mo nung una tayong nagkita sa nasabing lugar. sa gitna ng ingay, crowd at kadiliman, biglang nag shining star moment:

the way you look at me | the fire in your eyes | your kisses are sweeter than wine

isang araw, tumawag ka na lang bigla at excited mong ikinuwento sa akin na kabisado mo na ang lyrics ng kantang "insensitive". proud mo pang sinabi na paulit-ulit mo lang pinakinggan ang nasabing kanta - sino mag-aakala na premonisyon na pala to ng impyernong mararanasan ko sa loob lamang ng ilang buwan.

siyempre, deadma to earth. pag inlove, ang last song syndrome na tutugtog sa isipan mo ay ang linyang, "why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near" - cloud 9 ka lagi, ika nga. yun nga lang, kung ano ang kaligayahang naramdaman mo sa alapaap nung mga panahong iyon, ganun ding kasakit ang paghalik mo sa lupa kapag ikaw ay bumagsak. sa law of gravity, what goes up, must come down. 2 bodies that fall from the same distance will fall down at the same time regardless of their wieght. tang ina ka, bakit ako lang ung nasaktan eh sabay lang tayong nahulog.

ang daming naglaro sa isipan ko mula nung huling tapak mo palabas sa ating munting love nest. naulan din nung gabing un, bagyong-bagyo kung hindi ako nagkakamali. nakakatawa lang isipin na bumalik ka pa at nagmakaawa habang nangangatal ka pa sa lamig dahil nabasa ka. akala mo siguro hahabulin kita. pasensya na, hindi ko un gawain. kung ayaw mong umalis, d ka naman lalabas di ba?

At 7:30am, i finally logged out from my pc and looked forward to an enjoyable weekend. It was a wet Saturday morning and my mind was preocuppied with things that i wanted to do. In fact, armi and i joked about how Saturdays feel like a missing day in our lives as we usually spend it asleep until the wee hours of Sunday. I waited for her shift to end at 9am then headed out to UCC to grab breakfast and use the internet (unfortunately they don’t have free wifi. Good thing she brought her sun broadband with her). Our happy post-shift bonding turned sour when i recieved a call from my brother’s gf, karen (she happened to be at eastwood for some overtime work required by her boss). She said she wanted to know if matt had called because she was worried after he had mentioned, in an earlier call to her, that our house was under some feet of water. We both met up at macdonalds, where i was with Jayjay, armi and mami carmela (this was around 1pm) and a bit later, matt called and we both learned that we will be unable to get home due to heavy flooding that all major roads leading to Marikina are no longer passable.

By 2pm, we found ourselves stranded, yes, we – karen, JayJay, mami Carmela and myself – refugees at armi’s. Everyone thought that it felt like the end of the world, cut off from loved ones as the signal of major phone companies died on us at such a critical time. All we have is the internet and televesion, both of which did us no good as we could only hurdle together to not panic or feel guilty about being safe and dry.

I was not able to sleep even when i had been awake since 7:30pm Friday as my mind was too preoccuppied with worried thoughts, reflection and my usual illness, analysis.

§ Maybe God was fed up with Filipinos.

§ Maybe God wanted to challenge Bayani Fernando

§ Maybe God wanted us to remember him

Well...I finally gave up thinking at around 10pm. If God had intended for me to stay where I am, His will be done.